Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I am pissy and judgemental

anyone on the internet who can type the words 'R U enuff' on a messageboard ought to be sort out by the grammar secret police division stood against the nearest blank wall nearest in hour to dawn and shot (or at least have their typing fingers removed). I'm dyslexic myself- but at least I make a bloody effort. While I'm at it the Cinema police should just creep down the backs of rows of seats and silently garotte anyone speaking during the main feature.

Monday, March 28, 2005

sunk to the level of

watching the last half of Billy Elliot, obsessively kniting a buttonhole bag, interspersed with trying to upload more fekking pictures via hello/picassa - one lunch to meet friend on her way to london town and high flying life- feel useless and could do with another couple of days off the temping, padding around house occasinally chucking something into the charity shop bag/bin bag torturing myself with hello/picassa and watching pedestrian brit movies (enigma last night) massively torturing myself to find out online how my enemies are flourshing are about the level I can operate on right now - really don't have the resources to hit the temp world tomorrow. Yes I do feel appaulingly sorry for myself but then you have come to a blog called Urban Hermit not www.happywelladjusted.blogspot.com

Sunday, March 27, 2005

cats & books the perfect combination

from Woolamaloo Gazette.

Friday, March 25, 2005

but where too?

I dedicate this post to Miss Hendrix-Cat

at whose cattery I had a wonderful meal on Tuesday. With a wave of a paw she made Beef Olives from scratch. I met One Bad Way and F put the world to rights. The chocolate Almond cake warmed with Lucas Ice Cream went down a treat. Infact everything went quite swimmingly until S disappeared into the spare bedroom with F about 10.30pm reappearing about and hour and half later enquiring if Miss Hendrix-Cat would have a paper cup about her person to do a foley - this is for the epic film which is know commonly known as the triple f*. A paper cup was improvised from the innards of a toilet tube roll - Blue Peter eat your heart out. S disappeared with tube and reappeared 2 hours later. I pushed him and his bicycle into a taxi as he was far too tired to cycle. Collapsed into my bed at 2.30am forgetting that I had to get up for work the next day. My great aunt would say 'Work it really cuts into your day' I fervently agree especially when you have only had 5 hours sleep. Its sad but true after the age of 25 life is unsupporable on less than 7 hours sleep a night.

After losing my purse yesterday, rushing home from work, cancelling all my cards and then finding said purse I've decided I'm stressed out by full time work and trying to unwind my paws and restore my spirit.

*F**king Fife Film

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Making the world a better place one cake at a time

I've had an exhausting 2 days leading me to spend most of Sunday either on sofa listening to the Archers or with the shutters closed my head under a pile of blankets with a migrane avoiding phone calls and feeling lousy.

I'm going to see Miss Hendrix-Cat on Tuesday for dinner and have promised to make dinner - specifially Elizabeth Luard's chocolate cake which is wheat free.

Recipe

melt 8 oz of dark chocolate and 4 oz butter together

beat mix 8 oz of caster sugar and 8 eggs together ( I used 7 as I wanted to make a quiche as well and couldn't be bothered going to Scotmid)

mix in 8 oz of ground almonds

she says cool the choc/butter mixture before mixing into the egg/sugar/almond thing but I was too impatient.

I added a capful of vanilla essence

put into cake tin. Preheat oven to gas mark 6 bake for 25 mins.

I made a big cake for Tuesday and a small one for now.

I used fair trade chocolate and sugar, organic butter and eggs. If I'd used organic almonds I really would be making the world a better place.

I feel so much better having made something with quality ingredients.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Turkish Baths last night

massages and chinese takeway. So why after such a healthy evening have I woken up with a sore throat and phlem???

Off to Leith Market if I can find it. The website is low on maps and directions.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

a little of the back story or how I became an urban hermt because the alternative....

You suggested I wrote to you when we last spoke on the phone which I thought was a bit odd at the time but I’m taking up the suggestion anyway.
In December I became very very depressed. One day when I was walking to work across the North Bridge I thought about how much I couldn’t face living to the new year and how wonderful it would be to slip over the wall to oblivion. At the same time certain symptoms (ME like) began to return.

After I became depressed I decided that my life had to change radically and I went and stayed with my parents for a few weeks over the Christmas & New Year break and a long time out from my habitual habits and life. The people I phoned, wrote emailed. I didn’t do the normal things I do at Christmas like my big christmas card mail out. I decided I would take the advice I’ve been handing out for many years. ‘To do something you don’t know how to do you have to stop doing the things you do know how to do’.

One of the things I decided was that it was not my job to take care of people. My job is to take care of myself first of all.

It is very hard to stop participating in a behaviour which I’ve done for 36 years. I stopped phoning people and writing to people which is a major part of my caring behaviour. Checking up encouraging them etc. I cut down on my socialising drastically and decided only to respond to requests to socialise if my entire spirit said ‘YES’ to the opportuntity. Unless it gives me pleasure I aim to not do it. I am divesting myself of the constriction of ‘duty’ and ‘should’ and ‘ought’. The few times I have broken this rule I almost immediately become physically ill. It’s quite dramatic. I was pressurised into meeting an acquaintance at the Botanic Gardens a few weeks ago (she’s got more baggage than an airport carrousel and denies it) and as I waited at the bus stop to meet her I developed nausea and a headache.

I feel our relationship has always relied on me supporting you than is healthy for me. I have just spent too many decades of my life doing this and really I’ve run out of ‘care’. Even when I spoke to you on the phone I was aware of how carefully I probed you and how I filled the space with advice and sympathy and did not talk about my own situation. I’m in the process of change I don’t know what to all I know is that I have to stop doing the things I have been doing as I said above in order to allow the space for something else to happen. This is not an easy space to be in and its very difficult dealing with people who expect me to be there as an unending stream of sympathy and care. I’ve slowly but determinedly turning off the taps. As the months go by I have to explain more and more to people why I’m doing it. Some are thrilled and happy for me others frankly don’t get it and would like me to be the way I was.

The thing I know is that we have to give ourselves the care and sympathy we crave from others or lavish on others.

I cannot do this for you.

I’m sorry I can’t be a full time regular friend to you.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

ok this is going to be the post when my

audience finally leaves.

Phone goes I answer it - its difficult not to as its beside the computer and a nice friend left a message on the answerphone and I think it is her phoning back.

No it is the difficult draining friend the one who I keep on telling myself is not draining but each time I speak to her or see her I want to lie down for about 8 hours. She goes on and on and I'm so good at this stuff I ask questions interject comments and then she starts interrogating me on my upcoming week. Oh my god

oh my god

oh my god

she wants to meet.

Now my past week included the hour long patronization session, a funeral of a 57 year old who I've known since 10 and worked with on feminist orgs, a week at a temp job dealing with the dregs of human society, my temp agency 'forgetting' to pay me and my bloody period.

I

do

not

want

to

meet

her.


So I interrupt her and say in haste ' I must go and make dinner' - the veg box is calling to me.....

What a lame excuse but then if you give an exciting one like 'oh my god the house is on fire' she will call to find out how the fire went later (dinner enquires are less likely) and more seriously Tell My Parents.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

want to whine and rant

tireing day - computer not working and phoning IT seemed to make it worse so I ended up with FEWER funtioning bits by the time I left for a meeting at 3.30pm. Meeting ghastly - there is nothing WORSE than being patronised by someone who has the money or THINKS he has the money - fuckker - I'm not going to come crawling to you.

I'm going to switch off the computer stop arguing about the wording on emails with my creative partner (When I'm tired and post-patronised I get pissy OK) I'm going to find the left over dinner and watch Desperate Housewives - its pap but all by brain can deal with. Computer CD driver fried so until fixed no more pictures. This was due to an uscheduled powercut last sat night.

Now reallly am off...